Women = Expensive.

A Valentines dedication to our costly Queens, Crazies & Counterparts in all formidable formations:


-The ones who were bless at first, but turn out to be complete fruitcakes.

-The fit-but-she-knows-its who thinks they can run game, but get backslapped with an instant microwaveable air-pie for tryin' it.

-The older women who have "responsibilities" & refuse to entrust their hearts to hyper-active ‘juveniles’.

-The bloodsucking Nosferatu vampirism wenches that feast on all & any vulnerabilities one may have as a man the moment he exposes an inkling of insecurity.

-The lazy ones who stops making an effort in their presentation when you're on-road due to complacency as if you're 47 & married on the way to a Centennial anniversary together.

-The girls who blame you for shit that you're forced to feel guilty about at the time of "incident", but in hindsight when your balls blossom back you realise, 1) It's fully justifiable. 2) You were well within your rights & jurisdiction. 3) They should of fixed up or consequences occur.

-The over-emotional chick who's just broken up with her long-term 4 year partner and thinks you’re a human duvet; every time she cries it's like a parrot’s had a period on your shoulder.

-The jump-offs with no self-respect or sense of sacredness.

-The bothersome cellular phone combusting chicks that don't stop calling + texting + leaving irate voicemails; enough to shut down T-Mobile satellites over Earth's atmosphere.

-The women that were loved and pretended ingenuously that they cared about you, but somehow turned betrayers & traitors that you can't look in their eyes again.

-The attention-seeking beggit broads.

-The girlfriend's girl friends that have mundane relationships with apathetic or unfaithful partners and tell your girlfriend that you must be like their boyfriends, because that thought comforts them and pacifies their envy.

-The temptresses with the bedroom gaze- which have a boyfriend that needs to be tied up in a potato sack & thrown into the Lake District.

-The ones who doubt you constantly till they only end up hurting themselves, but will ultimately still blame everything fathomable on you.

-The oestrogen-militant who fails to realise you are not her bloody boyfriend- aaaaggggghhhh!

-The cock-blockers that cock-block like there's a universal manual written on that shit.

-The girls you used to see that were suprisingly wonderful post-relationship friends, but the moment they obtained a new boyfriend & finally found security, they got a bit brave and thought they start doing you off like an arsehole.

-The females with the kind posterior you had dreams about when you were 13; booty that even Atlas couldn't hold up- which lingers in your air of cool like forbidden fruit that you're prevented from tasting...THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

-The EXs that come together & form a friggin’ coalition.

-That shady, evil ones that always have something bad to say or dirt to dig up like a semi-ghetto Alan Titchmarsh on whichever woman you’re currently seeing, wrecking what may of been.

-The ones who date an utter wasteguy, when they should really be down with you.

-The divas who fail to realise this is the 21st Century, and when we're gentlemanly enough to pay out of our intiative on the first date, they shouldn't stand there beforehand with a finger-tapping look to prompt us like it's a concrete obligation in this contemporary age.

-The sheisty chicks who take 3 months to reveal they're actually a single-mother.

-The initially interesting ones who got boring in under a fortnight, who you never even slept with, and were real courteous towards- who'll unfortunately hold you as a wanker forever regardless, and so will all her girlfriends when they screw you on-pavement.

-The binge-drinking dumb arses who don’t realise how frass they looks & unlikeable they become when they’re intoxicated...particularly when they make those horrendous drunken phonecalls.

-The yatties who’s breath stink of cigarette & everytime they speak a few nostril-hairs get singed.

-The dames that assassinate your character to the rest of the World, and try to ruin you.

-The close brejin's current or ex-wifey that keeps moving to you- GO BACK TO YOUR UNDERGROUND CAVERN YOU DEVIL WOMAN.

-The girls who completely overlook and fail to appreciate your chivalry, respect, adoration, care, commitment, consideration, protection, time & investment- they don’t deserve it, move on.

-The ones you want but just can't have.

-The ones who just can't admit they got some serious issues.


"Now why you wanna go and do that, love, huh?"- Q-Tip (A Tribe Called Quest- Find My Way)


My fellas, my friends, I know we've all endured one or more of the above quandaries with our fairer sex. Hol' tight & maintain though, we all got some women problems now and again. If you’re a righteous dude, hopefully God will strike them down. No, I’m merely kidding- I don’t even believe in God so it looks like we’re stuck.


Women = Expensive. Expense to heart, mind & pocket.


Yet ladies, we begrudgingly adore you & remain uncontrollably addicted. Which makes for an expensive habit one might confess.

And sometimes, it's much more than just 'the ass'. Thank you for when you ARE actually a good woman & the right one to uplift or assuage the spirit, whilst shaping a completion to our partial souls. We appreciate that.

Nonetheless, men are as malfunctioning as women. Mistake-making miscreants we are, I modestly admit. Let’s just leave it at the fact humanity is a collective of cunts and that's the pinnacle point of equality.

Happy St. Valentines Massacre to the lovers & the lunatics.


P.S. My favourite joint of the year so far (6 weeks into 2008), by new cats Pacific Division, suitably entitled 'Women Problems' and they articulate our trials well (you are not alone!). Some shit every single man can relate to, and a soundtrack for the week. I urge EVERYBODY to bump this for a moment:





P.P.S. Sorry girls, it's been almost a decade since Destiny's Child came out with Bills, Bills, Bills and TLC dropped No Scrubs. It's OUR turn now.